BEYOND THE VELVET ROPES:
The continuing saga of the inner workings of a typical museum:  wine at the
exhibit opening,
whine at the staff meeting, wine at the fundraising event, whine at the
advisory committee
meeting, sex with the intern (or maybe not)

EPISODE 8:  At the Conference

Cast of Characters:  (In order of decreasing salaries)
The Vendors
Peapod, the Museum Director (in the bar the entire time, so not actually seen)
Waiter who replenishes the canapé tray at the free "Expo" buffet
Edward, the Educator
Guy who restocks the Coke machine
Cynthia, the Curator
Waitress who replaces soiled doilies under the canapés
Imelda, the Interpreter

Scene 1:  After attending the first session, "Cultural Hegemony, Chauvinism,
and the Repatriation
Struggle:  The Case of Winnie the Pooh...and Tigger, too" sponsored by ICOM
and the
Registrar's Committee, Cynthia decides to skip all the remaining programs and
spend the rest of
the conference in the Expo Hall with the goal of chatting up each and every
vendor.  The scene
opens as she is confronted by a myriad of voices beckoning her to approach.
One particular
booth catches her eye and she walks toward it.

Vendor 1:  Are you tired of justifying your museum care methods to those pesky
CoOL people?
Do you believe in the ol' tried and true practices handed down generation
after generation?  Then
I have the product for you!  It's our brand new CONservation Kit.
Cynthia is mesmerized.
Vendor 1:  Yes, our CON Kit, as we like to call it, looks on the outside like
any archival-quality
clamshell box--enough to fool the hovering conservators.  On the inside,
though, you'll find time-
honored solutions to all your housekeeping needs.  Here, for example, in the
package marked
"Acid-Free/Lignin-Free Dusting Cloths" is an old potato.  Just rub it over
your oil paintings for a
sparkling clean look.  And in this box labeled "Anti-Offgassing/Micro-Teflon
Museum Powder"
are 20 ounces of white bread crumbs--enough to clean six small bird specimens.
We're most
proud of this, though...

Vendor 1 reaches into the CON Kit and skillfully withdraws a jar.
Vendor 1:  (Slightly choked up with emotion)  On the outside, it says
"Renaissance Wax."  On the
inside, it is the most versatile invention we've yet to discover--Alberto VO5.
It not only cleans
and polishes silver, but also bonds acrylic, rejuvenates cast iron cookware,
eats right through B-
72, is an antidepressant (taken internally, that is) and, of course, works
wonders on skin and hair.
For a limited time, we'll even throw in this how-to video narrated by Rula
Lenska.
Cynthia buys 3 CON Kits, cracks open the "Renaissance Wax" and scoops up a
healthy dose of
Alberto VO5 with her tongue.  At that moment, Edward and Imelda wander over to
her.

Edward:  Hi, Cyn.  Here, I picked up some free white cotton gloves and an
extra-heavy-duty
stress ball for you from the insurance company.
Cynthia:  (Still trying to swallow the Alberto VO5)  T'anks, Ewward.
Imelda:  Say, what do you think about those "Inflatable Patrons" they're
marketing over there?
Don't you think we could use a couple of hundred or so to boost our event
attendance?  Oh!  And
I saw a great product for you--a Curator's Lightbulb-Changer.  I'm not sure
why, but they say it
takes three curators to operate it.
Edward:  I heard it was five curators.

Scene 2.  The trio walks up and down the isles, stopping to try their hand at
the pressed penny
machine that squishes Lincoln until he resembles Alfred Hitchcock.  As they
round the corner,
they suddenly stop and stare in amazement.  There in the center of the booth,
on a pedestal under
inch-thick bullet-proof Plexi, guarded by 2 armed security men in front of a
velvet rope barrier,
they have their epiphany.  In the defining moment of the conference, they drop
to their knees in
reverence to that which gives them hope for the future and builds them a
bridge to the 21st
century:  Barbie, The Museum Series.

She is magnificent--Museum Director Barbie--in her power glasses, power suit,
attaché, and
running shoes.  And Registrar Ken, slightly rumpled with India ink-stained
fingers.  And ethnic
Barbie, the Head of Interpretation, who comes with her own sing-along Kum-ba-
ya CD.  And
Conservator Skipper in her crisp white lab coat, carrying a sling psychrometer
(which really
works!).  Oh, and who could ignore Curator Midge, with her tiny white cotton
gloves and her
pull-string voice that alternately says "Hands Off!," "I'm not the damned
educator!" and "I TOLD
you that wouldn't work!"

Edward, Imelda, and Cynthia, arm in arm, rise slowly.  As she turns to face
the audience, a single
tear makes its way down Cynthia's cheek.  She sighs a contented sigh, smiles,
and licks another
huge dollop of "Alberto" out of the jar as the lights fade.

The end.

********************

Hope to see you at AAM!

Melanie Solomon
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