BEYOND THE VELVET ROPES: The continuing saga of the inner workings of a typical museum: wine at the exhibit opening, whine at the staff meeting, wine at the fundraising event, whine at the advisory committee meeting, sex with the intern (or maybe not) EPISODE 8: At the Conference Cast of Characters: (In order of decreasing salaries) The Vendors Peapod, the Museum Director (in the bar the entire time, so not actually seen) Waiter who replenishes the canapé tray at the free "Expo" buffet Edward, the Educator Guy who restocks the Coke machine Cynthia, the Curator Waitress who replaces soiled doilies under the canapés Imelda, the Interpreter Scene 1: After attending the first session, "Cultural Hegemony, Chauvinism, and the Repatriation Struggle: The Case of Winnie the Pooh...and Tigger, too" sponsored by ICOM and the Registrar's Committee, Cynthia decides to skip all the remaining programs and spend the rest of the conference in the Expo Hall with the goal of chatting up each and every vendor. The scene opens as she is confronted by a myriad of voices beckoning her to approach. One particular booth catches her eye and she walks toward it. Vendor 1: Are you tired of justifying your museum care methods to those pesky CoOL people? Do you believe in the ol' tried and true practices handed down generation after generation? Then I have the product for you! It's our brand new CONservation Kit. Cynthia is mesmerized. Vendor 1: Yes, our CON Kit, as we like to call it, looks on the outside like any archival-quality clamshell box--enough to fool the hovering conservators. On the inside, though, you'll find time- honored solutions to all your housekeeping needs. Here, for example, in the package marked "Acid-Free/Lignin-Free Dusting Cloths" is an old potato. Just rub it over your oil paintings for a sparkling clean look. And in this box labeled "Anti-Offgassing/Micro-Teflon Museum Powder" are 20 ounces of white bread crumbs--enough to clean six small bird specimens. We're most proud of this, though... Vendor 1 reaches into the CON Kit and skillfully withdraws a jar. Vendor 1: (Slightly choked up with emotion) On the outside, it says "Renaissance Wax." On the inside, it is the most versatile invention we've yet to discover--Alberto VO5. It not only cleans and polishes silver, but also bonds acrylic, rejuvenates cast iron cookware, eats right through B- 72, is an antidepressant (taken internally, that is) and, of course, works wonders on skin and hair. For a limited time, we'll even throw in this how-to video narrated by Rula Lenska. Cynthia buys 3 CON Kits, cracks open the "Renaissance Wax" and scoops up a healthy dose of Alberto VO5 with her tongue. At that moment, Edward and Imelda wander over to her. Edward: Hi, Cyn. Here, I picked up some free white cotton gloves and an extra-heavy-duty stress ball for you from the insurance company. Cynthia: (Still trying to swallow the Alberto VO5) T'anks, Ewward. Imelda: Say, what do you think about those "Inflatable Patrons" they're marketing over there? Don't you think we could use a couple of hundred or so to boost our event attendance? Oh! And I saw a great product for you--a Curator's Lightbulb-Changer. I'm not sure why, but they say it takes three curators to operate it. Edward: I heard it was five curators. Scene 2. The trio walks up and down the isles, stopping to try their hand at the pressed penny machine that squishes Lincoln until he resembles Alfred Hitchcock. As they round the corner, they suddenly stop and stare in amazement. There in the center of the booth, on a pedestal under inch-thick bullet-proof Plexi, guarded by 2 armed security men in front of a velvet rope barrier, they have their epiphany. In the defining moment of the conference, they drop to their knees in reverence to that which gives them hope for the future and builds them a bridge to the 21st century: Barbie, The Museum Series. She is magnificent--Museum Director Barbie--in her power glasses, power suit, attaché, and running shoes. And Registrar Ken, slightly rumpled with India ink-stained fingers. And ethnic Barbie, the Head of Interpretation, who comes with her own sing-along Kum-ba- ya CD. And Conservator Skipper in her crisp white lab coat, carrying a sling psychrometer (which really works!). Oh, and who could ignore Curator Midge, with her tiny white cotton gloves and her pull-string voice that alternately says "Hands Off!," "I'm not the damned educator!" and "I TOLD you that wouldn't work!" Edward, Imelda, and Cynthia, arm in arm, rise slowly. As she turns to face the audience, a single tear makes its way down Cynthia's cheek. She sighs a contented sigh, smiles, and licks another huge dollop of "Alberto" out of the jar as the lights fade. The end. ******************** Hope to see you at AAM! Melanie Solomon [log in to unmask]