BEYOND THE VELVET ROPES: The continuing saga of the inner workings of a typical museum: mystery, suspense, horror, joy, afternoon tea, sex in the director's office EPISODE 3: Curator's Guide to the Universe Cast of Characters: Cynthia Edward Imelda Peapod Beatlebox ensemble Scene 1: Though Cynthia and Edward appeared to have met their demise at the end of Episode 2, this was not the case. In the split-second before the total collapse of the House of Victoriana, Cynthia and Edward were somehow transported from the rubble, and awaken to their new surroundings. As they struggle to stand, and dust off their clothes, we see that they are in a bare room lit by a warm, pink light that pulsates rhythmically. Edward: What happened? I thought we were goners, for sure! Cynthia: Yeah. I guess 200 7th-graders stampeding through the hallways must have been too much for the old place. I told you we should have limited the size of the groups, but NO-OO. You educators always have to SHARE with more and more. Imelda enters from offstage, runs up to Cynthia and Edward, and gives each of them a hug. Edward: Where are we, anyway? Imelda: Prepare yourselves for a shock. We've been picked up by my friends and are on their spaceship, heading toward Ursa Major. I'm not the mild-mannered interpreter you've come to know. I'm really from a small planet in a galaxy far, far away. Many of us came to earth and took up positions in your museums to learn about your cultures. Cynthia: You're an alien? And there are more interpreters like you? Well, THAT certainly explains a lot... Edward: How'd we get here? Imelda: Do you remember how I insisted that you consume mass quantities of tea at the Ladies-Auxiliary-to-the-Buildings-&-Grounds-Committee luncheon? This was to reduce the stress of space. And, then, there are the gloves. Thank goodness Cynthia is anal-retentive enough to insist that ALL staff wear cotton gloves at ALL times. Don't forget your cotton gloves--you can't space travel without them! Cynthia: I'm getting a migraine. Imelda: Relax. You were brought here for a reason. We need your talents to complete the latest edition of the "Curator's Guide to the Universe," our definitive look at the ultimate collection of everything from everywhere. Cynthia: You want me? What can I possibly contribute? Imelda: With all our knowledge, we still haven't a clue as to why earth curators behave the way they do. We're hoping you can shed some light on the subject. So, come with me and I'll give you a quick tour of our little museum here in space. Scene 2: Inside the first gallery of the Museo Utopiana. At the entrance is a velvet rope, but it does not block the doorway. Instead, it is itself on a raised pedestal, highlighted by a spotlight and interpretive materials in all languages, sounds, visual and tactile effects. None of the objects are encased. All around them are creatures enjoying the place and the artifacts. Peapod Beatlebox enters. Imelda: (whispering) That's Peapod Beatlebox. He's the director. He's of two minds about everything--always trying to balance theory and practice, staff and board, yang and yin, sturm und drang. Peapod makes his way toward Cynthia and Edward and introduces himself, but they cannot understand him. He hands them each a GummiBear, and indicates that they should stick them in their ears, which they do. Peapod: So nice that you could join us! Your earth GummiBears make excellent universal translators. Edward: Who would've thought it? (Edward and Imelda wander off and join a tour group.) Cynthia: (Eyeing the museum visitors) They're TOUCHING everything! Peapod: Yes, we encourage that here. It does no harm--all the objects are coated with a special atomic layer that allows our patrons to feel the textures while protecting the artifact from damage. Cynthia: (Pointing to a group of creatures that resemble anteaters) They...They're LICKING the art!! Peapod: How else can you experience what art tastes like? Of course, we did have that problem once--in the Arctic Installation of frozen metal sculptures... But, live and learn, I say. Scene 3: Cynthia and Peapod, Imelda and Edward continue to wander through the museum. It is a fascinating place, and filled with room after room of sights, sounds, and experiences that might overwhelm the visitor if it were all not arranged in the most perfect and harmonious way. Edward, feeling an urge to educate the masses, gathers a group together and begins an oratory derived from his thesis, "Museums & Mental Diseases: the Smithsonian Institute." Peapod and Imelda head off in search of refreshment. Cynthia roams through the galleries. She sees creatures playing with the artifacts, picnicking in the aisles, adding their own comments to the labels. And as she rounds the corner, she stops abruptly. Though they are a species she has never seen before, she is almost certain: yes, she is sure that they are having sex in the dioramas. She faces the audience, and a look of calm comes over her. Cynthia: (Sighing) I guess I'm not in Kansas anymore. The end. ****************************************************************** Note: Due to copyright protection, the author must point out that parts of this episode were shamelessly derived from _Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy_, _The Wizard of Oz_, and other texts, though the names of the characters, the scenes, the dialogue, and the artifacts have been changed to protect the originals from any association with museums and/or museum staff. GummiBears are probably trademarked, and should not be wedged into one's ears unless one is a trained professional. The author refuses to say whether or not the characters are based on any persons living or deceased or yet to be born. ******************************************************************