BEYOND THE VELVET ROPES: A saga of the inner workings of a typical museum: adventure, mayhem, intrigue, lunch and sex in the dioramas Cast of Characters: (in order of appearance) The Security Guard Bobby V Figure 1 Figure 2 Scene 1: A burgundy velvet rope stretches between two posts set some distance apart. Behind the rope are pedestals supporting a selection of antiquities. The objects are well-lit, the labels clearly legible even to the audience members. "DO NOT TOUCH" signs are positioned at every turn, one even hanging from the ceiling so that as a viewer leans in for a closer look, he is smacked in the head by the sign. The Security Guard stands off to one side. Bobby V, a shortish, roundish, middle-agish bearded fellow enters with a jaunty bounce. He is talking non-stop to himself, carrying on a conversation about the ramifications of plasterboard versus drywall. He immediately runs his hands over the entire length of the velvet rope and plays with the posts, tipping them down and watching them swing back up. As he brushes aside the overhead "DO NOT TOUCH" sign and leaves a sooty thumb-print on the plaster bust of Aphrodite, Bobby V sets off a piercing alarm. The Security Guard approaches and, silently but firmly, places a hand upon Bobby V's shoulder. The Security Guard unhooks the velvet rope, and as he leads Bobby V past the posts, the lights fade. Scene 2: A tiny, windowless room deep in the bowels of the museum (formerly the curator's office, until she was moved to an even smaller, darker space sandwiched between the hot water boiler and HVAC ductwork). A bare incandescent bulb is the only light, a small desk and a chair the only furnishings. Bobby V is seated in the chair. A pair of white cotton gloves has been stuffed in his mouth. To make doubly sure he cannot speak, Japan tissue swathed in wheat paste has been wrapped around and around his head, hardening to a strong but not permanent gag. Bobby V's hands are bound by linen tape, and rest on the desk in front of him. Two gaunt figures stand in front of the desk, wringing their hands. Figure 1: This isn't going to be easy. Figure 2: If only we could have gotten to him before they made him a Trustee and gave him the run of the place! Figure 1: Perhaps we should just take him out to the tool shed and tan his hide. (Upon hearing this, Bobby V noticeably perks up, causing Figure 2 to shake his head). Figure 2: No, we best stick to our original plan. Over the next hour, Figures 1 and 2 engage in a process of breaking down the resolve of Bobby V. To mantras of "Conservation, not Obliteration" and "Preservation, not Renovation," they drip distilled water on his head in a slow, steady rhythm. They use bone burnishing tools and a Wei T'o spray inhaler. In frustration, they bring out their last resort, the "Anyone Can Create a Museum" kit--an awesome contraption of Mylar, acid-free tissue, and plastiklips held together with Renaissance Wax in a handy lignin-free clamshell box. Figure 2: It's no use. We just can't turn him. Figure 1: We did our best. It's not in our nature to give up on anyone, but he's beaten us. (Figure 1 turns to the theatre audience, dejected, but notices something on the floor and bends down to take a closer look. When she stands, we see she is smiling) Eureka! It's so simple! Scene 3: Back in the gallery. Figures 1 and 2 unroll a giant NO-PEST sticky trap. Bobby V saunters in, discussing the rising cost of ten-penny nails. As he steps on the trap, and then leans over to touch the goo, he is stuck fast. Figures 1 and 2 roll up Bobby V in the trap, seal him in a Tyvek envelope lined with Ethafoam, and express ship him to Virginia where he finds true happiness in dismantling old battlefields and real colonial farmhouses in order to build new battlefields and colonialesque farmhouses for some theme park or other. The End. ***************************************** Hope you enjoyed the show! ;-)