John,
Re:  The two ethical hypotheticals you raised.

The dress issue is between mother and daughter, and I see it as a legal
issue, not an ethical one (I know, that opens a discussion of the relationship
between laws and ethics).  If the dress turns out to be excess to your needs,
then you deaccession it using your standard deaccession procedures, but I
assume it probably would not return to private ownership.  Unless the
daughter has a legal and conflicting claim to the item (specifically named
in the will, etc., at which point it is still turned over to the lawyers), I
would acknowledge that sometimes even our parents say one thing and
then, for some reason, do another, but Mrs. X seemed to know what she
was doing when she donated the dress to the museum and you have to
respect HER wishes at that time.

The board/staff hypothetical seems to presuppose the museum is made up
of a passel of skunks...you can't trust the board members, you can't trust the
staff, and (as Chris correctly points out, sometimes you can't trust the director).
I agree, too, that a controlled communication policy twixt staff and board will
inevitably lead to "What's he hiding?" suspicions.  Makes me wonder how your
hypothetical director views the board's role, too.  Send money, let me use your
name on the letterhead, but stay the hell away from the museum?  I think some
board development programs, including the director, might produce a working
relationship less suspicious and making better use of everyone's talents.

IMHO,
TV
--

Tom Vaughan    "The Waggin' Tongue"
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11795 Road 39.2, Mancos, CO 81328  USA
Cultural Resource Management,Interpretation, Planning, & Training