Wow, I could use a couple of those!

Mark Janzen
Registrar/Collections Manager
Edwin A. Ulrich Museum of Art
Martin H. Bush Outdoor Sculpture Collection
Wichita State University
(316)978-5850



             Nicholas
             Burlakoff
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             SE.LSOFT.COM>             Job Annoucement


             03/19/2004 10:00
             AM


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MOM - Job Description


>


> POSITION: Mother, Mom, Mama


>


> JOB DESCRIPTION: Long term, team players needed for challenging permanent


work in an often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent


communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable


hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24-hour shifts


on call. Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive


camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away


cities. Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also


required.


>


> RESPONSIBILITIES: The rest of your life. Must be willing to be hated, at


least temporarily, until someone needs $5. Must be willing to bite tongue


repeatedly. Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be


able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time,


the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf. Must be


willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget


repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers. Must screen phone


calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework


projects. Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for


clients of all ages and mental outlooks. Must be willing to be


indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next. Must handle assembly


and product safety testing of a half million cheap plastic toys, and


battery-operated devices. Must always hope for the best but be prepared for


the worst. Must assume final , complete accountability for the quality of


the end product. Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and


janitorial work throughout the facility.


>


> POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT &PROMOTION: Virtually none. Your job is to


remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly


retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can


ultimately surpass you


>


> PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE: None required, unfortunately. On-the-job training


offered on a continually exhausting basis.


>


> WAGES AND COMPENSATION: Get this! You pay them! Offering frequent raises


and bonuses. A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the


assumption that college will help them become financially independent. When


you die, you give them whatever is left. The oddest thing about this


reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only


do more.


>


> BENEFITS: While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition


reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered, this job


provides limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs for life


if you play your cards right.


>


PeaceNick


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