I think many of the points that Steve made are very valid.  Certainly she
should keep in mind that she gave many hours and had a very beneficial
experience.
However, Belinda should not be held accountable for her friend's actions
except for the innocent decision to bring him.  She could have avoided the
bad feel by going by herself to say goodbye.  In most employee/employer
relationships, it seems preferable for the employee to appear alone.
She now faces a situation where needs to smooth this situation over as she
leaves town. She may be able to move the ending focus back to herself by
dropping the curator a thank you note and mentioning again that she is
moving.  I would omit any reference to the ending to the last meeting and
any reference to the friend.

 ----- Original Message -----
From: "John Suau" <[log in to unmask]>
To: <[log in to unmask]>
Sent: Saturday, April 28, 2001 5:17 AM
Subject: Re: Insulted by Curator, Seek Advice


> Well put, Steven.  Thank you for articulating a tolerant attitude towards
> "difference." Perhaps, Belinda, because you know that the curator is gay,
> you assume (as many straight men and women do) that any interest in
another
> person of the same sex is necessarily tied to that person's sexual
desires.
> I don't quite understand how asking for your boyfriend's e-mail and phone
> and asking him about his work? (you neglected to tell us what they talked
> about) is automatically be a "come on."  Perhaps you should give the
curator
> the benefit of the doubt, since his actions may not have been intended to
> hurt, anger or insult you -
>
> John Suau
> Manager, Meetings, Professional Education and Diversity
> American Association of Museums
> Washington, DC 20005
>
> -----Original Message-----
> From: stevensg
> To: [log in to unmask]
> Sent: 4/28/01 3:06 AM
> Subject: Re: Insulted by Curator, Seek Advice
>
> Belinda,
>
> My advice is to LET IT GO.  Frankly, your concerns seem more appropriate
> for
> "Dear Abby" than for this Listserve.  That being said, however, there
> are a
> few things to think about.
>
> 1. You state your record of volunteerism.  Good for you for giving so
> much of
> your time and energy!  I'm sure the gallery experience will be useful in
> your
> future endeavors. REMEMBER THAT.
>
> 2. You should maintain a positive attitude about this work experience,
> both in
> reflection and your future career.  NEVER burn bridges.  Unless you (and
> your
> boyfriend) grossly misbehaved on your last day "farewell," (or any other
> time)
> there is no reason to NOT use this gallery as a reference.  Is there
> anyone
> else in this gallery that might serve as a reliable reference?
>
> 3. Related to the above issue, I offer this caveat.  Please don't be
> offended
> by my remarks.  From the tone of your plea, and guessing about your
> education
> level, you (and your boyfriend) sound young and somewhat inexperienced
> in
> dealing with people in this kind of (unfortunate) circumstance.  It may
> not
> need to be said, as you may have already deduced this yourself, but
> essentially your boyfriend LIED to the curator.  He SHOULD have said,
> and
> nothing more, "I'm sorry, but we're moving out of town in a couple of
> days.
> I'm sure Belinda would like to stay in touch with you. Does she have
> your
> BUSINESS card?" Period. Or something to that effect.  By lying to the
> curator,
> your boyfriend may have irked the curator more than this simple (but
> DIPLOMATIC) "Thanks, but I'm not interested" would have. Now you have to
> deal
> with the fact that the curator may call the disconnected number or
> receive an
> "unknown address" email, or worse, may contact some unknowing person by
> email,
> because your boyfriend had to make up a lie. That kind of scenario
> happens in
> bars all the time. NOT a very professional interaction, on ANYONE's
> part.  In
> effect, you have set the tone for NOT being able to use the curator as a
> reference.  Too bad. Not a very mature move.
>
> 4. Lots of people (gay AND straight) receive unsolicited advances. It is
> really unfortunate that this curator acted in (as you describe) this
> unprofessional manner.  It would have been your (yours because your
> boyfriend
> represented you in this setting) opportunity to react in a VERY
> professional
> manner.  I hope you both learned something from the encounter.
>
> 5. Although you say you harbor no ill feelings toward gay people, your
> actions
> (and those of your boyfriend) seem to prove (if only subliminally)
> otherwise.
> I would ask of you, personally, to not let the actions of ONE individual
> influence your perceptions of a significant part of our population.  We
> all
> make stupid mistakes when we get nervous, as your boyfriend did.  We all
> need
> to "lighten up."  You will be happier in the long run.  By the way, it
> sounds
> like YOU were more insulted than your BOYFRIEND.  Don't let that kind of
> nonsense get in the way of your career.  You will meet ALL KINDS of
> people
> (good and bad, gay and straight, black and white, young and old) out
> there.
> Better to learn something good from all of this.
>
> Good luck to you.
>
> Greg
>
>  >===== Original Message From Museum discussion list
> <[log in to unmask]> =====
> >Hello Everyone::
> >
> >This is a bit of an odd question...to begin, I have been volunteering
> at
> >a commercial gallery consistently from Sept 2000-April 2001 and have
> >been showing up at regular time and spending more time volunteering
> then
> >I had originally thought.  I am also the only volunteer at this
> >gallery.  I have enjoyed this experience and have looked up to the
> >curator, who will remain unnamed.  However, today I went in for my last
> >day to say "good bye" as I am only here for school (University), and
> now
> >that finals are done I am heading home.  This was known and it was nice
> >to get together to talk with the curator.  I should also mention that I
> >went in with my boyfriend whom he (the curator) has met previously
> (many
> >times as my boyfriend has at times dropped me off; the curator also
> >knows that we have been dating for a few years).  I should also mention
> >that the curator is gay, and is openly gay (by the way I do not have
> any
> >problems with this).  What happened is that he (the curator) ended up
> >asking my boyfriend for his number and his e-mail which my boyfriend
> >gave knowing that his number will be disconnected in two days as he is
> >moving too.  As for the e-mail he gave the wrong one. I don't know what
> >I should do or if I should do anything, this has caused me to feel
> >unappreciated, insulted and I feel strongly angry at myself for not
> >saying anything.  My boyfriend has been supportive and is insulted by
> >this curator, and feels that he is "not a good person".  This is
> >especially magnified, since he didn't ask for my contacts and made it
> so
> >blatantly obvious that he was "interested" only in my boyfriend, as he
> >numerously interrupted me to talk to my boyfriend.
> >I personally do not feel that this curator is useful in terms of
> >"resume/reference" and still feel deeply hurt by this event.  I guess
> >what I am asking then is for the museum-L subscriber to advise me if I
> >should do anything or not?  And if anyone has been in some similar
> >position what to do??
> >Thank you for all those who reply, your advice will be greatly
> >appreciated as I am left hurt by this incident.
> >~Belinda
> >
> >=========================================================
> >Important Subscriber Information:
> >
> >The Museum-L FAQ file is located at
> http://www.finalchapter.com/museum-l-faq/
> . You may obtain detailed information about the listserv commands by
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>
> Greg Stevens
> M.A.T. Candidate 2001
> Museum Education Program
> The George Washington University
>
> =========================================================
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