BEYOND THE VELVET ROPES
A continuing saga of the inner workings of a typical museum:  write the
grant/wait/don't get the money, write the
grant/wait/get a teeny-weenie bit of the money, write the
grant/wait/wait/wait/wait, sex in the 19th-century period
room on the bed that's way too small because people were shorter back then

EPISODE 6:  Mission Impossible

Cast of Characters:
Cynthia
The Man In The Alley
Ensemble

Scene 1:  After the unfortunate incident at the psychiatrist's office,
Cynthia was forced to use up the 245 hours of
comp time she accumulated in the past 6 months.  She has chosen to accept a
consulting position with a museum
in a small, east-coast city.  The setting is outdoors, and a row of brick
facades and narrow alleyways faces the
audience.  The theme from "Hawaii Five-O" softly plays in the background.

Cynthia goes up to one of the doors and is about to knock when she is
interrupted by a sound coming from the alley
next to the museum entrance.  Being rather naive about urban environments,
Cynthia goes over to a man, who is
gesturing for her to approach.
The Man In The Alley (TMITA):  The giblets of the turkey don't make their own
gravy.
Cynthia:  What?  What are you talking about?
TMITA:  Philosophy, of course!  Didn't they give you the password?
Cynthia:  Oh, yes--"The rooster crows but the chickens lay the eggs."  Is all
this subterfuge really necessary?
TMITA:  Absolutely.  Follow me through the back entrance.

Scene 2:  Cynthia follows TMITA into the alley and down a narrow flight of
stairs into the basement of the
museum, then past a velvet rope barrier and down another flight into the
sub-basement.  A group of people huddles
in the dimly-lit space.

Cynthia:  Hmmm.  Let me guess--that area sandwiched between the HVAC ductwork
and the hot water boiler--the
curator's office?
TMITA:  Of course.  Let me introduce myself--Daniel O'Brien, Registrar.
 People call me "Danno."  And this is the
rest of the staff.  The REMAINING staff, that is, since the NEW MUSEOLOGY was
introduced.

Cynthia:  Yes, please explain this.  It was rather vague in my consulting
contract.  In fact, I'm not exactly sure why
I'm here; I accepted this position because I simply can't take a rest from
museum work.
Danno:  Well, you see, it started with our new director, Mrs. Ples.  She
thinks she's cleverly concealed her motives,
but in fact she's a transparent woman--totally open to our view.  At least,
as far as the staff is concerned.  She
wants to do away with all paid staff positions.  Her prehistoric notions
aren't even questioned by the trustees.  In
fact, we think she's having an affair with the chair of the board, Mr.
Cheddar.  So you see, we just had to call in an
outsider--you--to help us out.  (The ensemble murmurs in agreement.)

Danno:  (Taking a deep breath.)  We tolerated "Dueling for Dollars," but
"Battling for Baksheesh"  has just gone
too far.
Cynthia:  What the hell is "Dueling for Dollars," not to mention the rest?
Danno:  They're Ples' museology of Darwinian selection--namely that the
strongest survive while the others,
well...don't.  See, there is only a certain amount of funding available for
projects, so under the new bylaws, we staff
have to duke it out.  We lost our curator right off the bat--I mean, he just
couldn't compete with the educator, who
pierced him through the heart without much of a struggle.  She got hers,
though, when the PR staff stormed the
classroom and took it over for fundraising events exclusively.  And if we try
to leave, Ples sets the dogs loose and
it's a race to the exits before we're locked in.  The new fiscal year is
coming up, and it looks like "Martyrs for
Moolah" is on the books.  We're getting desperate.

Cynthia:  I...I'm stunned!  Actually, I can't believe no other director
thought of this before.  We'd better come up
with a solution, pronto, before this leaks out and ends up as an ALI-ABA
session on "Covering your ASSets:  How
New-Muse Directors Stay Above the Messy Fray Whilst Stepping on the Simpering
Staff ."  Let me give this some
thought.
Cynthia paces back and forth, head in hands.  At last, she sighs, and looks
up.
Cynthia:  Do you think we can catch Ples and Cheddar in a compromising
position?  I'm afraid it is the only way.
Danno:  Well, actually, we've been following them, and it seems they
particularly enjoy trysts in the 19th-Century
period room where the bed is way too small because people were shorter back
then.
Cynthia:  Good!  Get the cameras ready and we'll stake out the space.

Scene 3:  (Due to concerns about unbridled passion on the internet, Scene 3
has been censored.)

Scene 4:  (Several months later)  The setting is outdoors, and a row of brick
facades and narrow alleyways faces the
audience.  As Cynthia approaches the museum entrance, Danno comes out to
greet her.  The theme from "Petticoat
Junction" plays softly in the background.

Danno:  (Shaking her hand)  Hi, Cyn.  Good to see you again.
Cynthia:  So, how goes it?
Danno:  It's like another world.  Your plan was brilliant.  I mean, who but
you would have thought that a few un-
adorned photos of the director and board chair would lead us in so many new
directions.  I mean, when the rest of
the trustees got an eyeful of that, our future was clear.  They were
unanimous in rewriting our Statement of
Purpose.  We're now "The Best Little Whorehouse In This City Museum."  And
not only that, we increased our
visitation and admissions take ten-fold!  Everyone is ecstatic.
Cynthia:  (Turning to the audience)  I'm just glad I could help.  In case
you're called for a reference, I've added this
onto my resume as "worked with board and staff to facilitate development and
implementation of new mission."

The lights fade.

The End.

*****************************************************

Happy April 1st  ;-)

Thanks to those of you who sent in suggestions.  More are always welcome.

Hope I see some Museum-L'ers at AAM!

Melanie Solomon
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