BEYOND THE VELVET ROPES:  A saga of the inner workings of a typical museum:
 adventure, mayhem, intrigue, lunch and sex in the dioramas

Cast of Characters:  (in order of appearance)
The Security Guard
Bobby V
Figure 1
Figure 2

Scene 1:  A burgundy velvet rope stretches between two posts set some
distance apart.  Behind the rope are pedestals supporting a selection of
antiquities.  The objects are well-lit, the labels clearly legible even to
the audience members.  "DO NOT TOUCH" signs are positioned at every turn, one
even hanging from the ceiling so that as a viewer leans in for a closer look,
he is smacked in the head by the sign.  The Security Guard stands off to one
side.

Bobby V, a shortish, roundish, middle-agish bearded fellow enters with a
jaunty bounce.  He is talking non-stop to himself, carrying on a conversation
about the ramifications of plasterboard versus drywall.  He immediately runs
his hands over the entire length of the velvet rope and plays with the posts,
tipping them down and watching them swing back up.

As he brushes aside the overhead "DO NOT TOUCH" sign and leaves a sooty
thumb-print on the plaster bust of Aphrodite, Bobby V sets off a piercing
alarm.  The Security Guard approaches and, silently but firmly, places a hand
upon Bobby V's shoulder.  The Security Guard unhooks the velvet rope, and as
he leads Bobby V past the posts, the lights fade.

Scene 2:  A tiny, windowless room deep in the bowels of the museum (formerly
the curator's office, until she was moved to an even smaller, darker space
sandwiched between the hot water boiler and HVAC ductwork).  A bare
incandescent bulb is the only light, a small desk and a chair the only
furnishings.

Bobby V is seated in the chair.  A pair of white cotton gloves has been
stuffed in his mouth.  To make doubly sure he cannot speak, Japan tissue
swathed in wheat paste has been wrapped around and around his head, hardening
to a strong but not permanent gag.  Bobby V's hands are bound by linen tape,
and rest on the desk in front of him.

Two gaunt figures stand in front of the desk, wringing their hands.
Figure 1:  This isn't going to be easy.
Figure 2:  If only we could have gotten to him before they made him a Trustee
and gave him the run of the place!
Figure 1:  Perhaps we should just take him out to the tool shed and tan his
hide.  (Upon hearing this, Bobby V noticeably perks up, causing Figure 2 to
shake his head).
Figure 2:  No, we best stick to our original plan.

Over the next hour, Figures 1 and 2 engage in a process of breaking down the
resolve of Bobby V.  To mantras of "Conservation, not Obliteration" and
"Preservation, not Renovation," they drip distilled water on his head in a
slow, steady rhythm.  They use bone burnishing tools and a Wei T'o spray
inhaler.  In frustration, they bring out their last resort, the "Anyone Can
Create a Museum" kit--an awesome contraption of Mylar, acid-free tissue, and
plastiklips held together with Renaissance Wax in a handy lignin-free
clamshell box.

Figure 2:  It's no use.  We just can't turn him.
Figure 1:  We did our best.  It's not in our nature to give up on anyone, but
he's beaten us.  (Figure 1 turns to the theatre audience, dejected, but
notices something on the floor and bends down to take a closer look.  When
she stands, we see she is smiling)  Eureka!  It's so simple!

Scene 3:  Back in the gallery.  Figures 1 and 2 unroll a giant NO-PEST sticky
trap.  Bobby V saunters in, discussing the rising cost of ten-penny nails.
 As he steps on the trap, and then leans over to touch the goo, he is stuck
fast.  Figures 1 and 2 roll up Bobby V in the trap, seal him in a Tyvek
envelope lined with Ethafoam, and express ship him to Virginia where he finds
true happiness in dismantling old battlefields and real colonial farmhouses
in order to build new battlefields and colonialesque farmhouses for some
theme park or other.

The End.

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Hope you enjoyed the show! ;-)