BEYOND THE VELVET ROPES:  The continuing saga of the inner workings of a
typical museum:  mystery, suspense, horror, joy, afternoon tea, sex in the
director's office

EPISODE 3:  Curator's Guide to the Universe

Cast of Characters:
Cynthia
Edward
Imelda
Peapod Beatlebox
ensemble

Scene 1:  Though Cynthia and Edward appeared to have met their demise at the
end of Episode 2, this was not the case.  In the split-second before the
total collapse of the House of Victoriana, Cynthia and Edward were somehow
transported from the rubble, and awaken to their new surroundings.  As they
struggle to stand, and dust off their clothes, we see that they are in a bare
room lit by a warm, pink light that pulsates rhythmically.

Edward:  What happened?  I thought we were goners, for sure!
Cynthia:  Yeah.  I guess 200 7th-graders stampeding through the hallways must
have been too much for the old place.  I told you we should have limited the
size of the groups, but NO-OO.  You educators always have to SHARE with more
and more.

Imelda enters from offstage, runs up to Cynthia and Edward, and gives each of
them a hug.
Edward:  Where are we, anyway?
Imelda:  Prepare yourselves for a shock.  We've been picked up by my friends
and are on their spaceship, heading toward Ursa Major.   I'm not the
mild-mannered interpreter you've come to know.  I'm really from a small
planet in a galaxy far, far away.  Many of us came to earth and took up
positions in your museums to learn about your cultures.
Cynthia:  You're an alien?  And there are more interpreters like you?  Well,
THAT certainly explains a lot...

Edward:  How'd we get here?
Imelda:  Do you remember how I insisted that you consume mass quantities of
tea at the Ladies-Auxiliary-to-the-Buildings-&-Grounds-Committee luncheon?
 This was to reduce the stress of space.  And, then, there are the gloves.
 Thank goodness Cynthia is anal-retentive enough to insist that ALL staff
wear cotton gloves at ALL times.  Don't forget your cotton gloves--you can't
space travel without them!

Cynthia:  I'm getting a migraine.
Imelda:  Relax.  You were brought here for a reason.  We need your talents to
complete the latest edition of the "Curator's Guide to the Universe," our
definitive look at the ultimate collection of everything from everywhere.
Cynthia:  You want me?  What can I possibly contribute?
Imelda:  With all our knowledge, we still haven't a clue as to why earth
curators behave the way they do.  We're hoping you can shed some light on the
subject.  So, come with me and I'll give you a quick tour of our little
museum here in space.

Scene 2:  Inside the first gallery of the Museo Utopiana.  At the entrance is
a velvet rope, but it does not block the doorway.  Instead, it is itself on a
raised pedestal, highlighted by a spotlight and interpretive materials in all
languages, sounds, visual and tactile effects.  None of the objects are
encased.  All around them are creatures enjoying the place and the artifacts.
 Peapod Beatlebox enters.
Imelda:  (whispering)  That's Peapod Beatlebox.  He's the director.  He's of
two minds about everything--always trying to balance theory and practice,
staff and board, yang and yin, sturm und drang.

Peapod makes his way toward Cynthia and Edward and introduces himself, but
they cannot understand him.  He hands them each a GummiBear, and indicates
that they should stick them in their ears, which they do.
Peapod:  So nice that you could join us!  Your earth GummiBears make
excellent universal translators.
Edward:  Who would've thought it?  (Edward and Imelda wander off and join a
tour group.)
Cynthia:  (Eyeing the museum visitors)  They're TOUCHING everything!
Peapod:  Yes, we encourage that here.  It does no harm--all the objects are
coated with a special atomic layer that allows our patrons to feel the
textures while protecting the artifact from damage.
Cynthia:  (Pointing to a group of creatures that resemble anteaters)
 They...They're LICKING the art!!
Peapod:  How else can you experience what art tastes like?  Of course, we did
have that problem once--in the Arctic Installation of frozen metal
sculptures...  But, live and learn, I say.

Scene 3:  Cynthia and Peapod, Imelda and Edward continue to wander through
the museum.  It is a fascinating place, and filled with room after room of
sights, sounds, and experiences that might overwhelm the visitor if it were
all not arranged in the most perfect and harmonious way.  Edward, feeling an
urge to educate the masses, gathers a group together and begins an oratory
derived from his thesis, "Museums & Mental Diseases:  the Smithsonian
Institute."  Peapod and Imelda head off in search of refreshment.

Cynthia roams through the galleries.  She sees creatures playing with the
artifacts, picnicking in the aisles, adding their own comments to the labels.
 And as she rounds the corner, she stops abruptly.  Though they are a species
she has never seen before, she is almost certain:  yes, she is sure that they
are having sex in the dioramas.  She faces the audience, and a look of calm
comes over her.
Cynthia:  (Sighing)  I guess I'm not in Kansas anymore.

The end.
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Note:  Due to copyright protection, the author must point out that parts of
this episode were shamelessly derived from _Hitchhiker's Guide to the
Galaxy_,  _The Wizard of Oz_, and other texts, though the names of the
characters, the scenes, the dialogue, and the artifacts have been changed to
protect the originals from any association with museums and/or museum staff.
 GummiBears are probably trademarked, and should not be wedged into one's
ears unless one is a trained professional.  The author refuses to say whether
or not the characters are based on any persons living or deceased or yet to
be born.
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