BEYOND THE VELVET ROPES: The continuing saga of the inner workings of a
typical museum: put up the
exhibits, take down the exhibits, put up the exhibits, take down the
exhibits, put up the exhibits, take down the
exhibits, sex in the parking lot in that secluded corner behind the rubbish
bins.
EPISODE 7: Alice in Wonderland
Cast of Characters: (In order of appearance)
Alice
Edward
Imelda, and Imelda's Voice (IV)
Peapod Beetlebox
Miles O'Hare
Cynthia
Mrs. Alotta Cash-Milliner
Ensemble
Scene 1: Exterior in front of a large concrete building, formerly the site
of the House of Victoriana. Words
chiseled above the door read simply, "THE MUSEUM." Alice walks up the path
to the front door, and we see that
Edward is waiting outside to greet her.
Alice: Hello. I hope I'm not too early. I just couldn't wait to see the
new place.
Edward: You're right on time. We hope your experience will be both
entertaining and enlightening. Bite me!
Alice: (Rather taken aback) Pardon me? Did you ask me to bite you?
Edward: Well, yes. (Rolling up his sleeve to reveal a row of tooth marks
running the length of his forearm.) It's
nothing personal, just part of our public/private personality makeover in
connection with our reorganization and
extensive capital improvements. The trustees decided that staff should
acknowledge and revel in our masochism
for putting up with our chosen profession by turning it into an interactive.
To help us get into the spirit of things,
they cut our salaries and benefits so that we're now paid slightly less than
the fellow who mows our lawn. I'm
afraid I can't let you in unless you chomp. If you give me a kick, too, you
get a 10 percent discount in the gift shop.
Alice obligingly bites and kicks, and Edward (wincing and slightly bent over)
lets her in.
Scene 2: The entry hall and first gallery of The Museum. Imelda is behind
the "Pay Here" desk, and is holding an
awesome contraption made of Mylar, Plastiklips, security screws and Japan
tissue formed into the shape of a
helmet and attached to a recording device.
Imelda: Welcome to The Museum. After the reorganization made
education/interpretation strictly a function of
the Development office, there have been a few changes around here. This is
our new mandatory audio tour. Just
give me a minute to attach it.
Imelda reaches over the desk, sets the helmet on Alice's head, and proceeds
to tighten the screws so that the helmet
cannot be taken off except by a trained professional. She twirls Alice
around so that she is facing the first gallery,
presses the START button, and gives her a delicate push to get her moving in
the right direction along the yellow
carpet-square path. Imelda's Voice (IV) recording can be heard by the
audience.
IV: You'll see that in The Museum, there are few closed-to-view spaces.
Here on your left behind the velvet
ropes we have the Director's/Directors' office. Note that after the
reorganization our leader, Peapod Beetlebox,
being of two minds about everything, has finally become two completely
separate people. The one over there
playing with the wad of silly putty deals with the trustees, donors and the
general public. The other--eating gummi
bears and practicing with the sling shot--manages the staff. So far, the
trustees haven't noticed that their Peapod is
not all-together all together. Staff has come to a general consensus that
the second version is much less of a pest
than in the past. Continue into the next gallery.
Scene 3: An open-storage gallery in which the collection of 1273 individual
items of crocheted doll house
furniture made from yarn, old tuna fish tins, and torn pantyhose fills
shelves from floor to ceiling behind bullet-
proof Plexiglas. Alice stares in rapt wonder at the artifacts as Imelda's
Voice recites the history of how Grandma
Peterson's beloved collection came to The Museum. While the audio tour
continues, Miles O'Hare and his
entourage sweep across the stage inbetween Alice and the display, forcing her
to step back.
Miles: I'm late for the press conference. Oh, my, always somewhere to go.
And we have that vodka commercial
shoot at 4:00 and our new line of The Museum Underwear to launch at 6:00.
We'll have to skip dinner, though I'm
sure we can grab a few Ritz crackers and guava jelly canapes at the "Julia
Child on Charred Vanilla Extract
Aroma-Therapy" Cocktail Hour. I tell you, public relations must be the most
stressful job in this place, especially
after the reorganization made us a sub-department under Buildings and Grounds
and the HVAC repair guy became
head of Membership Services.
Miles and group race out of the gallery, and Alice proceeds into the next
space.
Scene 4: This is a dimly-lit gallery with a walkway around the edges and a
circular, Plexi-enclosed space in the
center. Within the enclosure is a tree, and high up the tree, way out on a
limb, is Cynthia. Alice trips on a carpet
square and nearly runs into the Plexi, as she is staring in rapt attention at
the floor of the enclosure, which seems to be moving.
IV: Welcome to our self-sustaining eco-system/folklife exhibit. Note the
8000 flesh-eating beetles on the floor.
They are capable of stripping a carcass clean in no time flat--a must-have
for every museum around budget-
planning time. The tree is oak, and its acorns provide the sustenance for
the little squirrels which live in the tree
and are fortunate enough not to lose their balance. As your eye wanders up
you will see the Curator. Note with
care the hand and arm movements she makes: they are actually intricate
curses passed down through generation
after generation and adapted by the cultural influences of modern life. Such
folk ways are usually practiced in
secret, generally at coffee breaks, so we are very pleased to be able to
share them with you.
Alice follows instructions and looks up at Cynthia, who is shouting and
gesturing wildly. The mandatory audio
tour prevents Alice from hearing her, though she believes she can lip read
the phrase "Bite Me!" amongst others.
As Alice and the audience stare at Cynthia, we see a change in her corporeal
being. Cynthis is slowly disappearing
from view. After several seconds, the only visible aspect of Cynthia
remaining is a fist and a finger or two.
IV: You are witnessing the first display of its kind--that of the Vanishing
Curator. Though they tried for years to
attain these very results, it was not until the reorganization that success
was achieved. It appears that the catalyst
for this phenomenon simply involves placing the curator under the direct
supervision of the gift shop manager.
Since our victory, other museums have followed suit. A few have even managed
to disappear entire curatorial
departments by selling off dusty old artifacts in their own gift shops.
Please move along.
Scene 5: The gift shop. The physical space alone is monumental, the
contents and display breathtaking. The
room seems to pulsate, reminiscent of the beating of a heart. At the center
of this powerful domain, singled out by
an intense spotlight that follows her every movement, stands Mrs. Alotta
Cash-Milliner. Alotta is a woman of
immense proportions, fitting for the space she controls. She greets Alice as
she enters and removes her audio tour
helmet.
Alotta: (In a booming voice) WELCOME. HAVE A CUP OF TEA, BROWSE, AND BUY,
BUY, BUY.
Alotta hands a cup of tea to Alice. She, herself, is drinking a Guinness. A
clerk refills her glass as soon as she
polishes off the previous pint, leaving a thick foamy layer at the top.
Alotta: I'VE TOLD YOU SIX TIMES TODAY--OFF WITH THE HEAD! YOU'RE SIMPLY
IMPOSSIBLE.
(Turning her attention to Alice.) NOW, LET'S INTERACTIVATE OUR SHOPPING
HELPER AND GIVE YOU
A HANDS-ON EXPERIENCE YOU WON'T SOON FORGET.
The stage lights dim, a mirrored disco ball drops from the ceiling, and the
pulsing picks up the pace. As the ball
spins and lights flash, we see Alotta and Alice dancing around the room,
picking up item after item. They
eventually dance off the stage.
Scene 6: The exterior of The Museum. A lone figure, loaded down with so
many bags from the gift shop that we
cannot make out who it is, walks away from the front door. As the figure
stops and sets down the packages, we see that it is Alice.
Alice: Well, it was no "Doughnut, Sushi, and Ketchup Museum," but I sure had
a real good time.
The lights fade.
The End.
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Brought to you by the ever-darkening psyche of:
Melanie Solomon
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