Episodes 1 & 2 follow. Enjoy!
Subj: A Soap Opera for Museum Folk
Date: 02/20/96
To: [log in to unmask]
BEYOND THE VELVET ROPES: A saga of the inner workings of a typical museum:
adventure, mayhem, intrigue, lunch and sex in the dioramas
Cast of Characters: (in order of appearance)
The Security Guard
Bobby V
Figure 1
Figure 2
Scene 1: A burgundy velvet rope stretches between two posts set some
distance apart. Behind the rope are pedestals supporting a selection of
antiquities. The objects are well-lit, the labels clearly legible even to
the audience members. "DO NOT TOUCH" signs are positioned at every turn, one
even hanging from the ceiling so that as a viewer leans in for a closer look,
he is smacked in the head by the sign. The Security Guard stands off to one
side.
Bobby V, a shortish, roundish, middle-agish bearded fellow enters with a
jaunty bounce. He is talking non-stop to himself, carrying on a conversation
about the ramifications of plasterboard versus drywall. He immediately runs
his hands over the entire length of the velvet rope and plays with the posts,
tipping them down and watching them swing back up.
As he brushes aside the overhead "DO NOT TOUCH" sign and leaves a sooty
thumb-print on the plaster bust of Aphrodite, Bobby V sets off a piercing
alarm. The Security Guard approaches and, silently but firmly, places a hand
upon Bobby V's shoulder. The Security Guard unhooks the velvet rope, and as
he leads Bobby V past the posts, the lights fade.
Scene 2: A tiny, windowless room deep in the bowels of the museum (formerly
the curator's office, until she was moved to an even smaller, darker space
sandwiched between the hot water boiler and HVAC ductwork). A bare
incandescent bulb is the only light, a small desk and a chair the only
furnishings.
Bobby V is seated in the chair. A pair of white cotton gloves has been
stuffed in his mouth. To make doubly sure he cannot speak, Japan tissue
swathed in wheat paste has been wrapped around and around his head, hardening
to a strong but not permanent gag. Bobby V's hands are bound by linen tape,
and rest on the desk in front of him.
Two gaunt figures stand in front of the desk, wringing their hands.
Figure 1: This isn't going to be easy.
Figure 2: If only we could have gotten to him before they made him a Trustee
and gave him the run of the place!
Figure 1: Perhaps we should just take him out to the tool shed and tan his
hide. (Upon hearing this, Bobby V noticeably perks up, causing Figure 2 to
shake his head).
Figure 2: No, we best stick to our original plan.
Over the next hour, Figures 1 and 2 engage in a process of breaking down the
resolve of Bobby V. To mantras of "Conservation, not Obliteration" and
"Preservation, not Renovation," they drip distilled water on his head in a
slow, steady rhythm. They use bone burnishing tools and a Wei T'o spray
inhaler. In frustration, they bring out their last resort, the "Anyone Can
Create a Museum" kit--an awesome contraption of Mylar, acid-free tissue, and
plastiklips held together with Renaissance Wax in a handy lignin-free
clamshell box.
Figure 2: It's no use. We just can't turn him.
Figure 1: We did our best. It's not in our nature to give up on anyone, but
he's beaten us. (Figure 1 turns to the theatre audience, dejected, but
notices something on the floor and bends down to take a closer look. When
she stands, we see she is smiling) Eureka! It's so simple!
Scene 3: Back in the gallery. Figures 1 and 2 unroll a giant NO-PEST sticky
trap. Bobby V saunters in, discussing the rising cost of ten-penny nails.
As he steps on the trap, and then leans over to touch the goo, he is stuck
fast. Figures 1 and 2 roll up Bobby V in the trap, seal him in a Tyvek
envelope lined with Ethafoam, and express ship him to Virginia where he finds
true happiness in dismantling old battlefields and real colonial farmhouses
in order to build new battlefields and colonialesque farmhouses for some
theme park or other.
The End.
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Hope you enjoyed the show! ;-)
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Subj: MUS: Soap Opera, Episode 2
Date: 03/10/96
To: [log in to unmask]
BEYOND THE VELVET ROPES
A continuing saga of the inner workings of a typical museum: hope, despair,
pest control, crowd control, dust control, sex in the vault
EPISODE 2: The Fall of the House of Victoriana
Cast of Characters: (In order of appearance)
Cynthia
Edward
200 7th-graders
1 teacher (not actually seen, but implied)
Scene 1: The entry hall of a house museum. The front door is to the left.
A portrait of a dour, elderly woman whose eyes gaze out toward the audience
hangs on the wall. Doorways lead off into darkened spaces. The stairway
moves upward and to the right. A velvet rope stretches across the base of
the stairs, where a sign reads: "STAFF ONLY Beyond This Point."
Cynthia enters, wringing her hands. She paces back and forth, stopping on
each return trip to make sure the giant bolt that locks the front door is
securely in place. The audience hears a low rumble, and then the sound of a
school bus stopping. Cynthia throws herself upon the door, arms
outstretched, facing into the room. Edward bounces in and heads for the
front door.
Cynthia: I can't allow this to happen. It's always the same. I can't take
it anymore...
Edward: You know we have no choice.
A noise from beyond the door gradually gets louder. We hear many voices,
talking at once. The front door begins to rattle. Edward places a hand on
Cynthia's shoulder.
Edward: Cynthia, there's no other way. You know we need the admission money
to buy coffee and doughnuts for the board meetings. Can you imagine what our
lives would be like without coffee and doughnuts for the board? Can you?
Cynthia relaxes her stance and, head bowed, slowly moves away from the door.
Edward unbolts the lock.
Immediately, a crowd of 200 7th-graders from Marauder Middle School stampedes
into the hallway. Edward nimbly leaps across to the staircase and lashes
himself to the banister to avoid the onrush. Cynthia is caught in the surge
of adolescents, who are all attempting to get to the single toilet available
for visitors [a single toilet was quite sufficient during the days when the
constipated upper-classes were the only museum patrons]. As she is pushed to
the ground, Cynthia recalls the fate of her unfortunate colleague who burst
into tiny pieces just a few short weeks ago... The audience now hears the
unmistakable thump, thump, thump of her heart as Cynthia drifts into
unconsciousness.
Edward, still lashed to the banister, begins an oratory on the decorative
uses of wallpaper. Seeing as how she is not labeled, the Marauders mistake
Cynthia for an interactive exhibit and poke and prod her. As she comes to,
Cynthia looks up from the floor to find a Marauder standing over her. He is
wearing a genuine replica American Indian headdress and carrying a genuine
replica plastic tomahawk which he purchased in the museum shop. The Marauder
swings the tomahawk back and forth over Cynthia, lowering it on each swipe.
Just before the tomahawk slices through her clothing, she is lifted overhead
by a roving band of Marauders and carried offstage.
Scene 2: The house museum basement. The band of Marauders carry Cynthia
into the room, and deposit her into the small space between the hot water
boiler and the HVAC ductwork. They begin to stack Plexiglas panels in front
of her, cementing them into place. As the final panel seals her in, quoth
Cynthia: I should have listened to my mother and become an anesthesiologist.
$100K a year, house on the Vineyard. Damn that 4th-grade school trip to
Monticello! It all started there...
Scene 3: Back in the entry hall. The front door is rattling, and Edward
skips across to open it. As he unbolts the lock and the crowd surges in, a
beam of light shines directly onto the painting. The audience sees that it
is now a portrait of a young woman, and she is smiling.
As the crowd swells to fill the hall, loud cracking noises fill the air. The
crowd shrieks, but it is too late. The walls begin to cave in, and as the
lights fade, a cloud of dust rises above the now empty scene.
The end.
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